I’m taking a small break from working on a particularly intense WordPress site project that is testing my outer limits as a low-level codemonkey. Shopping cart plug-ins are my newest torture devices. My brain hurts, so I stop. I look around. My office looks exactly the same as it did a month ago, as does my bedroom.
I am moving in eight days. Cue panic.
Follow short-lived panic with blithe refusal to acknowledge the daunting task that’s spread out before me.
Eight days until departure.
Ten days until I’m back in California with old friends and new challenges.
After watching John Halcyon Styn’s TEDx Talk about gratitude and gifting, I am trying to focus more on the cone in my hand than the shit on my shoe. Being constantly mindful and grateful is difficult. I know it becomes easier after you put the work in and spend a lot of time consciously getting oneself to that place of gratitude. In the meantime, I am struggling to overcome the stress I’m feeling. My mind screams, and my heart tries to calm the voice.
“I’m completely overwhelmed and stressed! Look how much work I have to do before we move!” mind shouts.
Heart replies, “You have work when many do not. You get to move back to California. You’d need ten hands to count the number of people you love and who love you in return.”
“Fuck you, heart. Go get me a scotch. Make it snappy, pour it deep.”
My mind is a dick sometimes.
I’ve been thinking a whole lot about this three-year-long walkabout that seems to be concluding. In a life like mine, though, I wonder if every day is essentially is a walkabout? That thought makes me happy. It makes me grateful. I hope to never stop learning, to never stop growing, and never to feel as though my adventures have ended. So, despite the fact that I’m stressed and still in denial about this move, there are still glimmers of awe and wonder that pierce my black mood in regard to the next leg of this journey.
Everything will work out; it always does. I keep reminding myself that I’ve done this before. Many times. I have support. I have love. I have faith in the knowledge that the Universe is magical and weird and full of opportunity. I keep reminding myself that I got this. I do.