Here’s to you, conspiracy theorists

I’d like to begin with a disclaimer:  I’m really sick right now; feverish, chilled, nauseated, slightly confused and in general, feeling like hammered dog shit.  Maybe that’s good, because the fever is destroying my filter.  This post will contain a lot of profanity and complete honesty.  I’m mad and fed up and delirious beyond the point of giving a shit.  Consider yourself warned.

I’ve had it with you conspiracy theorist assholes.  Done.

You preach and complain and scream and rail against any and all forms of authority, including government, law enforcement, business executives, and anyone else who doesn’t completely agree with you, and call it conspiracy.  You call these people psychopaths because they don’t share your viewpoints, and you imagine them to be incapable of understanding and sharing empathy, love, kindness.  Does everyone you know, everyone in your family, do they all work at Burger King in non-management positions?  Because I find it difficult to believe that you don’t know a single person in law enforcement or who is somehow involved and/or active in your local government.  I find it difficult to believe that you’ve never intimately known and liked a person whose career ended up leading them into a management, or even an executive, position.  But then again, with your faulty reasoning skills, I’m sure you’d manage to rationalize how the people you know aren’t those people.  THEM.  The faceless They who oppress and enslave us at every turn.  Come the fuck on.

OK, we all know the government lies to us.  We all know there are avaricious, unscrupulous people in charge in various industries, and that these people will stop at nothing to make a profit, regardless of the human or environmental impact.  We all get it.  We know people lie, but I think what you forget is that all types of people lie all the time.  Big lies, little lies.  Hurtful lies and helpful lies.  Lies to protect, to manipulate. Just because a person in a position of power does it doesn’t mean he or she is a psychopath.  My great-grandaddy was a ridiculously accomplished corporate man, and he was one of the most beautiful, kindest men who’s ever walked this earth.  I can attest to that.  I’m sure there were people who worked under him who thought he was a dick.  You don’t get to the top by being a bleeding heart who gives into everything everyone wants. You don’t know these people personally; how are you qualified to make that determination?  Because you saw a catchy facebook meme?  Use the brain nature gave you.  Work through this one.  Tough?  I know, but clear the rust away and listen the fuck up.  It’ll get easier once you practice.

All you paranoid, delusional assholes who were screaming, “Oh, of course the people they’re pinning the bombing on are Caucasian and from America.   I’m sure they’ll kill both of them before they have a chance to say their piece.  I’m sure they’ll deport the guilty Saudi and sweep it under the rug, and kill these Chechen kids and feed us some more lies.”  Consider this: fuck you right in the face.  I really wish you would go to hell and not come back into my world.  I don’t live in constant fear, making decisions based on the opinions of random neckbeard mouth-breathers who live in their mothers’ basements and get paid – yes, they make a living! – to start rumors and develop conspiracy theories from the safety of their homes. You think those people don’t have an agenda?  Use your fucking brain and stop eating the shit you’re being fed.  You people are the ones who are the loudest when flailing and shouting:  OPEN YOUR EYES!  DON’T ACCEPT WHAT THEY TELL YOU!  YOU’RE BEING DECEIVED!  Haha.

If I didn’t have such contempt for you, I’d laugh at your absurdity.  Fuck you.

You are willing to overlook facts — in the case of the Boston bombings, the facts include the testimony of a man who stood at the finish line and looked into the face of one of the bombers moments before both his legs were blown to shreds — if they don’t support your theory.  Which means your theory is bullshit, by the way.  If you have to blatantly ignore facts because they get in the way of your radical ideas, your religion, your stance — well, you’re probably barking up the wrong tree.  Alex “False Flag” Jones is a steaming pile of excrement.  If you think he’s giving you the straight shit, consider the fact that every piece of “evidence” he’s cited to “prove” the bombings were an act of the government have been debunked by people who were *actually* at the event.  Versus him, who saw the news on his computer and immediately and without any basis declared, “this thing stinks to high heaven.”  Really?  Based on what, when there were literally zero leads?  Did you stop to fucking think about this before you jumped on his crapwagon? Did you stop to think about what a dick you are for joining his shitty band of hate slingers at a time when a whole country was mourning and seeking real evidence so the perpetrators didn’t escape to go on and hurt more people?  If Alex Jones had his way, we would have been rallying against the government while these men quietly eluded capture. Does it not seem ironic to you that this, in and of itself, is sociopathic behavior?  No agenda?  Puh-lease. Did I mention fuck you?

David Horsey / Los Angeles Times (April 18, 2013)

David Horsey / Los Angeles Times (April 18, 2013)

Look, you’re choosing to spend the precious days of your life looking over your shoulder and living in fear, and that’s your prerogative.  Fine.  Live in a constant state of terror and suspicion and be riddled with your hate disease and die miserably. But keep it out of my face, because I refuse to spend that much time detracting from the grand and mysterious joy of existence.  When I don’t like something the government does, I write letters, make phone calls, go to rallies and meetings, operate phone banks, give money, show up, and basically do my fucking part as a human being to fight the things I don’t like.  All I see from your camp are inflammatory, reactionary strawman “arguments” in which you utilize wildly inaccurate “facts” and ominous quotes, then paste them onto scary pictures and post them on facebook.  Get that shit out of my face.  Think for yourself.  You’ve traded one devil for another and you don’t even see it.  That’s sad and stupid and I  feel genuine sympathy for your waste of life and time. Maybe rather than always believing any one group or person, you could do your research every time and figure out for yourself what’s happening.

I’m just so sick and tired of your bullshit and your stupid song and your even stupider dance.  Get a goddamn life.  Oh, and by the way, if you are a person who watches FOX “News” as a legit source of information…apply this to yourself, too.  Oh, and fuck your face, as well.

Me?  I change my mind when data supports the opposition, and I do so without rancor because I believe in living rationally and with a flexible, open mind.  Do I push back sometimes?  Totally.  Human nature.  But I don’t persist beyond the point of reason.  I don’t believe in turning things I don’t understand into a source of fear that cripples me from living and loving fully, because that’s not productive.  But you?  You’re harshing my fucking mellow.

I vote for hope and love and trust, even when it may be misguided and I might get hurt, because fuck the alternative.  I live in a motherfucking rainbow supernova cosmic dust cloud of awesome fucking wonder, and nothing will change that.  That’s what I choose.  The rest of you get out of my way, because I won’t let you bring me down.

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2 thoughts on “Here’s to you, conspiracy theorists

  1. Cheri Keller says:

    “I vote for hope and love and trust, even when it may be misguided and I might get hurt, because fuck the alternative. I live in a motherfucking rainbow supernova cosmic dust cloud of awesome fucking wonder, and nothing will change that. ” Beautiful.

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